Saturday, April 26, 2014

[Fanfic] At Alice's Door

Title: At Alice's Door
Author: Vianna Orchidia / Annasthacy Chashyme
Rating: T
Warning: possible ooc, grammar errors or misstypos; heavy head-canon; fast-paced; takes place after Retrace 91 so spoilers for those who haven't read up to the latest chapter.
A/N: see below for more notes
Disclaimer: I don't own Pandora Hearts as it is Mochizuki Jun's and I do not take any profit from this fanfiction.

[Orific] Redemption

A gasp left her lips. With trembling breath she tried to calm down, to ignore the piercing pain that just lodged in her chest. It almost felt like a plate of lead was hammered into her chest--heavy, painful. But when she peered into the giant mirror situated across the room, she only saw herself. Bleeding eyes, labored huffs of air, and sickly pale skin that hugged her limp body like a death call. Her clothes were still intact (though very messily strewn on her body) and not a piece of metal was on her chest.

It was just her imagination.

She begged to differ, though. The ache was definitely there, right in the core of her chest and lungs and heart. Her small fingers grasped blindly onto the fabric of her nightgown because the pain was almost unbearable. She choked, an ugly sound that bordered a sob. She couldn't even cry--the rivers had long dried form the drought she taught herself to make.

"Help me," she groaned, a broken holler--but who was she kidding? There was only her in that room, in that house, in that world. Everyone she could turn into had gone. Before she knew it, she was all alone to deal with her wounds and her imaginary plate of lead.

Another surge of pain shot into her own and she let out a guttural groan again. It hurts, she said. Who can offer consolation? What can offer consolation?

And then she the young lady started to scratch at her forearm. The long nails, well-groomed and colored in blood, drew fine line on the vulnerable skin. The lines were pinkish but they vanished quickly. The small action, however, gave comfort to her. It was something she learned way back, about a year or two; that the pain on her skin and flesh dulled the ache of her heart. She had been breathless at that time of discovery, both from delight and from utter fear.

Just what had she found? An inhuman part of human beings. She quickly labelled it as repulsive and hid the knowledge of little redemption in the farthest corner of her brain.

But now--now the pain had intensified and she couldn't help seeking that once found redemption again. She pressed her nails again, a little deeper and rougher this time, and dragged them along her forearm. It felt nice. She no longer felt as heavy. Another line, then another, and another.

She couldn't stop.

The books on the floor, on the shelves, on the tables; they stared sadly at the broken piece of being God named human. They watched as the girl started to show a twisted smile that didn't look very sane. They sung a heedless lullaby to their master, wishing she would stop hurting herself.

When her whole forearm were stained with red lines, and the pain had gone considerably, the girl was finally able to close her eyes and fell into the long-needed slumber.

But who knew if she would wake up in agony yet again, and started the foul deed to freed herself?

The Right Person

I'm waiting for the right person, and the right time, to share about my darkest secret. The forbidden emotion that once sprouted well in my heart. In all honesty, I humored the prospect of actually dwelling in that emotion too. Watered it, nurtured it. I was killing myself, I know, but it had felt so good.

Being bad always feels so good.

I'm waiting for the right person to tell, and I'm really, really looking forward to his reaction to my confession. Will he reprimand me? Will he stare wide-eyed, disgusted at me? Or will he smile bitterly and say, it's in the past?

 I'm also wondering, what kind of face will I make as I tell the story? What kind of tone and voice will I use to speak of the past I don't really lament?

I do not lament that aspect of me. No. I just think that it's part of the process. An important, precious part of it. Without it I wouldn't be the me I am right now. I figure that this secret will serve as a reminder.

Of my hidden insanity.

I am aware, when I reflect back to those days, that I've grown a dark part that spells insanity. At first it was fun; I was tired of being a good girl so this insanity helped relieve the stress. But now, as I look back, I found it not at all pleasing. A little scared even.

Will my right person also feel scared like this?

Not to mention that lately, my stress management has been bad. The insanity has been, well, maybe three or four years of dormant state--but with my poor stress management, I managed to provoke it again. In depressed times I find myself unable to stop the insanitty. It's coming back, even stronger, and still growing--and it eats away at my body and soul.

I try not to be scared. I try to accept it. Thinking perhaps, if I don't reject it, the insanity will ebb away eventually. I suppose it does, but during the process of slipping away, it still consumes my soul painfully. I'm afraid one day when it finally disappears completely, my soul would be left only so little.

Then I get scared again, and it brings me back to square one. Once again I find myself sitting at a place, blindly searching in my surrounding that tells me where I am, what I'm doing here, and who I have become.

I'm still waiting for the right person to come and take me home.

Friday, April 18, 2014

[Review] Lontara Rindu - S. Gegge Mappangewa


Lontara Rindu
Penulis : S. Gegge Mappangewa
Editor : Priyantono Oemar, Alif Supriyono
Penerbit : Republika
Tahun : 2012
Ukuran : viii + 342 halaman; 13,5 cm x 20,5 cm

Sinopsis:
Vito dan Vino, dua saudara kembar yang terpaksa harus terpisah karena perceraian orang tuanya. Vito tinggal bersama ibunya, sedangkan Vino dibawa ayahnya. Rindu yang membuncah membuat Vito harus mencari ayahnya di Perrinyameng, Amparita, belasan kilometer dari kampungnya di daerah pegunungan.

Ayah Vito pergi ketika Vito masih kecil. Beda keyakinan membuat kakeknya tak bisa menerima ayahnya, sehingga ibunya dulu harus mengorbankan kehormatan keluarga, kabur dari rumah demi ayah Vito itu. Vito adalah anak yang terluka dan ketika memasuki usia SMP ia kerap bertanya mengapa sang ayah meninggalkannya?

Inilah kisah pencarian sekaligus kehangatan keluarga siswa SMP itu di masa belianya di Cenrana, Panca Lautang, Sidenreng Rappang, Sulawesi Selatan, di masa kemarau panjang mendera. Di tengah upaya diam-diamnya mencari ayah, Vito dan teman-temannya mendapatkan ajaran moral islami dari Pak Guru Amin yang sering bercerita tentang kisah-kisah masa lampau yang tercatat di lontara. Namun di kemudian hari, Pak Amin harus menerima kenyataan pahit ketika warga menuduhnya telah menyebarkan fanatisme agama.

Berhasilkah Vito menemukan Vino dan ayahnya? Bagaimana nasib hubungan keduan orang tuanya? Masihkan ayah Vito menganut kepercayaan leluhurnya?

Kisah Vito dan kawan-kawan ini banyak menghadirkan tangis dan tawa dari awal hingga akhir cerita. Sebuah romantika hidup penuh makna dan inspirasi bagi kita pembacanya.

[Severe Spoiler Alert!]

Saturday, April 5, 2014

[Review] Snow Country - Kawabata Yasunari


Snow Country: Daerah Salju
(Judul asli: 雪国 lit. Yukiguni)
Pengarang : Kawabata Yasunari
Penerjemah : A. S. Laksana
Editor : Gita Romadhona
Penerbit : GagasMedia
Tahun terbit : 2010 (cetakan kedua)
Ukuran : vi + 190 hal, 13 x 19 cm

Sinopsis:
Lagu pertama itu menyentuh sesuatu yang kosong di dasar perutnya, dan dalam kekosongan itulah suara shamisen bergema. Shimamura terkejut—atau, lebih tepat, ia terjengkang oleh sebuah pukulan telak. Terbenam dalam perasaan khidmat, dibasuh oleh gelombang penyesalan, tanpa daya, ia tak memiliki kekuatan lagi untuk melaklukan apa pun, kecuali menghanyutkan dirinya pada arus yang menyeretnya, pada keriangan yang dihadirkan oeh Komako kepadanya.

Di daerah bersalju yang selalu dingin itu, Shimamura bertemu Komako, seorang geisha yang pipinya sewarna angsa yang baru dibului. Tanpa ia sadari, Shimamura tahu Komako tengah jatuh cinta padanya, begitu pula sebaliknya. Keduanya berusaha menemukan pembenaran atas cinta mereka, hingga akhirnya menyerah dan menyadari kalau cinta mereka telah gagal sejak kali pertama mereka bertemu.

Peringatan! Possible spoiler ahead!